Unconditional love is the ultimate goal of being. To love unconditionally one must possess the ability to do so, which is derived from an understanding of what unconditional love is. One must know and feel unconditional love, to love unconditionally. Unconditional love begins with unconditional love of self. Complete acceptance of self. When all fears and self-judgments are gone, and one can express him or herself freely, one can then share their unconditional love of self with others. You are love. Unconditional love is, true freedom and expression of this self.
Many have been unloved. Many have been loved. Very few have been loved unconditionally. For very few have experienced unconditional love, themselves, and of self, and therefore could not offer this love to another. For unconditional love requires fearlessness. A fearlessness to allow oneself AND others, to be and express, WHATEVER it is they wish to be and express. This initial lesson, or lack thereof, begins with our parents. Most parents out of very high levels of “conditional” love, do not allow this freedom of being from their children.
Conditional love is the equivalent of love combined with fear. Many parents, dictated by their own subconscious fears, dictate the realty and future of their children. It is not the parents conscious fault. They are just passing on the “conditional” love that was passed on to them. They just want the “best” for their children, even if this means the child quietly sacrifices dreams, creativity, and freedom of self, for a “comfortable” life in the matrix; a job with health insurance and a 401K by any means, over a creative desire or impulse; fear of illness and poverty, in these examples, being the primary motivator, passed on from generation to generation. In worst case scenarios, trauma, neglect, and abuse being passed on as well; all fear based behaviors. Most decisions within the matrix - the conditioned reality we have accepted as our state of being, and which eastern philosophers call Maya or the illusion, are based on fear. Children are not born with this fear, but with inherent unconditional love - the fearless love of all things, black-white, young-old, “good-bad.” Children are then taught fear and conditional love based on fear, and unfortunately experience trauma in many circumstances as well. Children must learn the lesson of “NO.” Children, the children within us, must learn to say no to this matrix - maya - illusion, in order to be reconnected to the reality of our true selves, to the reality of our unconditional love, and freedom of this expression.
To learn unconditional love of self, one must first learn boundaries. To learn how to say YES to self, one must learn how to say NO to others.
Unconditional love does not equate to being a martyr, as unconditional love implies love of self as well. Unfortunately we do live within this matrix of fear based decisions and behaviors, and we will encounter individuals that operate from this paradigm of being. Unconditional love guides us to accept and forgive these individuals, while boundaries guide us to have respect for our sovereign space and being. There is a beautiful quote stating; if you meet an individual whose soul does not resonate with yours, send them love and move along. The beauty here, is that we do not judge, we accept, we love the other, all the while respecting and loving our space and ourselves as well. When I teach boundaries to clients, I often liken it to dancing. We should understand everybody’s unique movements, for they were created under certain circumstances, however, this does not mean that these movements will jive with ours, and that these individuals will be our dance partner. Keep on dancing/expressing the dance of unconditional love and respect for self, and you will ultimately find your dance tribe and your dance partner. For those whose boundaries have been violated, sometimes violently, it is imperative to seek therapeutic assistance in purging the energetic and psychological remnants of these violations, re-creating proper boundaries, in the hope of at some point trusting in the reality of unconditional love, which in essence is a reconnection to self, before and after trauma. We can NEVER allow the fear and trauma to ultimately determine our reality.
Finally, creating boundaries can be, and is often painful. For creating boundaries implies a separation from the influences of the matrix surrounding us, including the influences of our parents. Psychic and psychological separation from the umbilical cord is painful. It is the basis of children stating love for parents who have abused them, as well as individuals recreating and staying in, abusive relationships later in life. ANYTHING to not be alone! ANY love will do! Even if conditional and abusive. The most difficult obstacle for boundary formation is the fear of being alone (Please see blog article - Psychodynamically and Spiritually, written 11/15/14). However, facing this fear, is EXACTLY the process of boundary formation and self love, that will lead one back to themselves. The unconditional love that existed before and after trauma, and the realization that you are never alone.
“There will be a period of loneliness during the process of transformation, for there is only room for one in the cocoon.”
-Michael Garbe